


Safe

by lyssa747



Series: Healing [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amputation, Amputee Bucky Barnes, Angst, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 21:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7009261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyssa747/pseuds/lyssa747
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is adjusting to having one arm. It's not going too well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe

"And it's really incredible, Buck, watch. You just touch the screen and it does whatever you want it to!" Steve gushed, handing Bucky the smart phone.

Bucky took it gently. It looked fragile, much too thin to be a computer. He shifted his position on the couch slightly and touched the screen. Nothing happened. He furrowed his eyebrows, disappointed.

“I think it's broken,” he said with a frown, looking back up at Steve. The blond was grinning this huge, goofy grin. Bucky couldn't help but offer him a tiny smile.

“You're doing it wrong, watch.” Steve took the phone from Bucky's hand and touched one of the icons on the screen. It opened to a blank page with a gray rectangle on top. Bucky watched intently. “Now you can look up whatever you want.”

Bucky wanted to feel excited about the whole thing, he really did. He wanted to let Steve show him how to work it and he wanted to watch Steve's face light up as he understood the whole thing. But recently, Bucky' s emotions hadn't been computing right. When he wanted to feel happy, he felt upset, and when he wanted to feel excited, he felt, well... Nothing. And the worst part of everything was the undertone of guilt that followed him everywhere he went. He couldn't feel anything without his own guilt souring any emotion that managed to sneak it's way into Bucky's mind.

“Buck?” Steve said, nudging his knee and startling him out of his reverie.

“Hm?”

Steve was frowning now, too. “How are you feeling?”

Bucky threw his head back, biting his lip. He'd been waiting for Steve to ask, watching him work up the nerve to ask if Bucky was okay all morning.

It was too complicated to explain and it made Bucky's head hurt to think about it. He sighed and brought his eyes back to Steve's. “I wish I still had my arm,” he whispered. It'd been on his mind all night last night, all morning. He'd been glad it was gone at first. It meant he wasn't a weapon, couldn't kill people anymore. All that was left was the metal embedded in what was left of his shoulder, and he couldn't do much with that besides make Steve shriek in surprise at night when he pressed his cold metal shoulder against Steve's side or back.

It really hit him two nights ago, in the shower. He'd mostly been taking short baths since everything happened, washing himself quickly and then getting out, just briefly running his hair under the water to give him the illusion that he was clean. It was all he could do while his wounds were still healing, his stitches still fresh and his sides still aching from the broken ribs that he tried so hard to ignore.

He'd finally felt strong enough to stand and shower, to really get himself clean. He carefully scrubbed his body, washing away all the grime and dirt that had built up from the several days of just rinsing himself in the bath. He sat down on the shower floor for a bit, letting the water pound onto his back and neck. It had been good, relaxing, even. Just for a few minutes, he felt free from all the guilt that he'd been carrying around.

And then he went to wash his hair.

He'd never realized how difficult it was to open a shampoo bottle, get the shampoo into your hand, and subsequently scrub it into your scalp. It wasn't something that could be done with just one hand, at least, he couldn't do it yet.

Bucky had tried to get over it, tried to tell himself that it really didn't matter. But he couldn't shake the fact that he just fucking _missed_ having two hands, even if one was a metal death machine. And he kept noticing things that were difficult for him as the next day progressed.

He couldn't put his hair up by himself. He couldn't eat the ice cream Steve had brought him without balancing the tub between his thighs to hold it stationary.  


Basically, having one arm fucking sucked.

Bucky brought his eyes back to Steve, who looked surprised, wary, even.

“Not like that,” Bucky insisted quickly, bringing his knees to his chest and covering his eyes with his hand. “Not like that, Steve. I don't miss... I don't want the... I just-”

“Bucky.” Steve's voice cut him off. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, surprised by the wave of tears that had sprung to his eyes. He breathed in deeply and willed the tears away. 

“Bucky,” Steve said again. “Look at me.”

He took a deep breath and looked Steve in the eye. The blue shot straight through him, causing him to shiver. Bucky knew the tears were still pooled in his eyes and he was only a little bit surprised when they spilled out onto his cheeks. “Steve,” he said. “I-”

Steve cut him off with a kiss, drawing Bucky into him like the moon is drawn into the Earth. Bucky felt so powerless, yet safe in Steve's orbit. His lips were so warm, so soft compared to Bucky's chapped, rough lips. He sobbed mid-kiss, more tears leaking onto his face. They broke apart and Bucky let out a soft laugh that was overtaken by another sob, turning his eyes to the ceiling. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be,” Steve said, putting his arm around Bucky's shoulders and pulling Bucky into him. He leaned his head against Steve's chest, suddenly self-conscious about his rough metal shoulder digging into Steve's side. His worries were swept away, though, when Steve pressed a kiss onto the top of his head. Bucky's hand came to a rest on Steve's knee. “You're healing,” Steve finished.

Wrapped up in Steve Rogers' arms, tears streaming down his unshaven face, Bucky had never felt more warm and safe in his entire life.  



End file.
